Poems and Letters: https://thewordsyoursoulneedstohear.home.blog/poems-and-letters/
Date Yourself: https://thewordsyoursoulneedstohear.home.blog/date-yourself/
Poems and Letters: https://thewordsyoursoulneedstohear.home.blog/poems-and-letters/
Date Yourself: https://thewordsyoursoulneedstohear.home.blog/date-yourself/
“I am because we are.” An African Proverb
Hello, my name is Morgan. I am a young woman who wants to share beautiful thoughts with those who may be needing them. I am an empath and have been learning how to grow my gift through meditation. While meditating, I sometimes have beautiful reflections that I would like to share with those who may be struggling with some of the same things that I am. Or even things that I have struggled and have insight that can help you. I am a Pisces, the water sign for intuitive, creative thoughts. So, I like to share my knowledge and insight with those who would like to hear it. Hopefully it can save someone some heartache or encourage those that are heartbroken. I know what it is like to wonder if there is anyone out there that cares about you. Yes, I care. So, take what you need and leave the rest. Not everyone will connect with everything I share and that is OK! Let’s grow together!
As I wrote previously, I have been experiencing a hard year. It seems that as soon as I am ready to share some morsel of knowledge with the world, the universe shows me just how much I do not know and how much farther I have to grow. But, that is the point of this project, to document not only my own personal growth but to inspire others to grow with me as well.
Four years ago, I started building my own garden around me after it was scorched. I was just a seedling when I met a blooming rose. I fell in love and we merged our gardens. A seedling sunflower and a blooming rose are beautiful together, but there is also a difference of life stages. I was a seedling and he was already starting to fade in his beauty. My life was beginning while his was already in the works.
Not only were we are different life stages, but sunflowers and roses need different types of soil and nutrients. Their diets are different and the type of care that they need is different. Sunflowers will turn their faces to the sun to soak up sun rays, hence their name. Roses are delicate, desiring lots of sun and lots of water. If roses are not cared for properly, they will wither and die. And in the shade of a mammoth sunflower, that is what happened to my beautiful rose. In retaliation, he pricked me with his thorns pushing me away.
To be honest, when I first noticed my rose was dying, I tried to not face the sun so much. I tried to deny who I was and feed the rose. But roses are greedy flowers, needing a lot of attention and space. While he was consumed with his needs, he didn’t see that I was moving away. So, I gave the rose space, so much so that our gardens split.
Once fully in charge of my garden, I was able to grow under the care that I once gave the rose. My soil became even healthier and I could soak up all the sun I wanted without guilt that I was harming another. I bandaged up my holes from his thorns. The rose was able to move on with his new flower and seems happy making a garden for the two of them.
As a reflection on this whole blog, beautiful thoughts some of the thoughts I had written about while the break up happened helped me get through. Just because I had a heartbreak of my long-term relationship ending doesn’t mean that it is all sad. I’ve learned so much about how much pain I can bare and what deserves my efforts and what doesn’t. I’ve learned that I don’t have space in my garden for roses, I’m more of a wildflower girl after all.
I’ve also learned that I am capable of loving someone so different from me and so deeply that it is inspiring to know that love was inside of me. While a sunflower is beautiful, it’s ultimate purpose is to grow, bloom, feed, and be reborn. A rose’s purpose is to be beautiful (depending on cultural contexts). I’ve also learned the dangers of trying to deny my own needs to help another flower with theirs. Fill your own cup before someone else’s. Watch to make sure that the other person is putting the same effort into the relationship that you are. Be open to try new things, but not if they make you uncomfortable.
Most of all, always always stay true to who you are and the values that you hold dear. If someone cannot respect them, then let them go. Do not allow yourself to whither because someone else needs more from you than you can give or want to give. If you have alarm bells, listen to them. Take the advice of those around you, but also with a grain of salt.
So, he can go till the ground for his new flower, I wish them the best. I’m over here having already planted other flowers, living my life without having to rebuild because I took the time to establish my own garden by growing as an individual without the need to be defined by the flowers I am surrounded by. I am a mammoth sunflower, capable of surviving hardships and still have seeds to feed others. I am worthy of more than a delicate rose, because I deserve a mammoth as well. So, I’ll continue to soak up the sun’s rays, and I’m going to continue to grow in my own space. So, let’s grow together.
I apologize for being absent. I let a weed grow in my garden and it choked the nutrients out of me. I feel into a dark depression and my budding seedling suffered.
For all my writings on being careful about who you let into your garden, I was mesmerized by this little weed. I believe it is a character flaw of mine for I love wildflowers more than cultured flowers. I saw this weed and was mesmerized by its beauty and allure. What I didn’t know was that it was poison.
Isn’t it strange how something so beautiful could be completely toxic to the surrounding flowers? Take Wisteria, it is beautiful, but it will squeeze the life out of even a tree. Not only choking it, but stealing vital nutrients all while remaining a beautiful weed.
I was embarrassed to get back on here and admit that I made a mistake, but I would rather be honest that I am a human being with feelings than to leave the image that I have it all together. So, in an effort of honest, here is what happened.
I was finally doing great, my garden was growing and starting to break through the ground. I had a long way to go, but at least I was starting to see green through the dirt.
Suddenly, I noticed there was an interesting shoot coming through. It reminded me of something from my past. Something that I once loved and dreamt of a future with. Something I had missed in my life. Something I had hope that would one day come to pass. So, I made room for this weed in my garden. I didn’t think it could hurt anything. I thought it was harmless.
The weed started growing and needing more space, so I started pulling out my beloved flowers to make room. The weed needed more fertilizer, so I sacrificed my well-being to feed it. This weed was very greedy and soon sustaining it became my primary focus. I gave this weed all that I had and it still was not enough. Nothing is ever enough for weeds.
The funny thing is I knew this would happen. See, I had seen that weed before and the exact thing happened. I just didn’t expect it to be such a fast moving, destructive weed. Taking not only my heart, but taking over my garden and dictating what could live and die. For all its beauty, it was very damaging to my garden.
It took awhile for me to connect the patterns of behavior and to realize what was happening. Love can be a crazy thing. Because I believed that if I sacrificed enough for this weed, they would love me as much as I loved them and that is not so. Because weeds only think about what they need to grow and what they need to be more beautiful.
So, instead of ripping it out by the roots, I changed tactics. I decided to fight poison with poison. I started withdrawing into myself. I started questioning everything around me. I sank into a deep depression and found myself unable to function due to the poison. I relapsed into my old comfort behaviors and almost didn’t make it back out of that darkness. I didn’t realize that by poisoning the weed, I was poisoning the same soil that I was being fed by.
So, the bravest thing I did was to dig up that weed and remove all the roots. It was painful, like ripping out part of my heart. But if that weed was just taking from my garden, then it didn’t deserve to be there. In my garden, we all must serve a purpose and help each other grow. That weed did not contribute.
While now I have learned my lesson, the saddest part is that I had the opportunity to put a beautiful, strong flower into my garden. One that would have possibly blossomed into love and I let a poisonous weed take its place. I was too distracted by the beauty of those winding, flowering vines that I passed up the opportunity to plant something that inspires me to be a better person. A flower that is like me, one that is meant to feed the others around him. Because I was distracted by Wisteria, I missed out on another Mammoth Sunflower. To me, that is the worse part. To let something so destructive take the place of something strong and beautiful. I just hope that he knows that I am still growing and tending my garden. I hope that one day he and I can grow together, even if just for a moment in time. Because a flower like him is worth the work it takes to be beautiful.
So, that is why I decided to write again, even though it was embarrassing to me to admit that I am just a seedling still growing towards that beautiful sun. A seedling that was swayed by something comfortable and familiar rather than challenging herself to believe that another man could be better for her. A seedling that was intimidated by a wonderful flowering sunflower that she ran to what she had known. So, I guess that is why I always end my posts with the saying “Let’s grow together”. Because it is a reminder to me that I am still learning and still growing and still striving to be the best sunflower I can be. So, in the spirit of forgiveness and growth, let’s grow together and rebuild our gardens.
“Make friends with people who want the best for you.” -Dr. Jordan Peterson 12 Rules for Life
I started reading Dr. Peterson’s book about a week ago, so I am just on Chapter 3. I haven’t really dived into it other than to read the title and reflect on what it means to make friends with people who want to see you succeed.
About a year ago, I started setting my intentions on finding people that looked at me like the person I was becoming. I am still becoming that person in my head, and that is fine. Just as long as I continue on my path of becoming her, is what matters. I started noticing that some people I was around was very negative in my growing and becoming the person I wanted and was meant to be.
As an empath, I felt horrible thinking about leaving them behind and moving on, but I noticed that if I was around them for too long, I struggled with negativity. Instead of progress, I was regressing. All the progress I had made through therapy and meditation was erased when I was around them. I loved them, I wanted them happy, but I needed to take care of my life path. I needed to find my own purpose. I was ready to break through the surface of my life soil, but they were still germinating.
In January, I started learning how to compost. It was too cold to start my compost bin outside, but I started a bin in my basement. As I was learning how to cultivate the compost. Mixing the right number of green and brown parts, I started reflecting how personal relationships were the same way. I had to make sure that what I was putting in the bin would be broken down and provide nutrients to the soil I was going to mix it with to plant my seeds in.
As I started learning about what was good and bad to include, I started reflecting on my relationships with others. What was I getting out of the relationship? What was I putting into the relationship? Was I providing fodder to nourish them or was I sucking the nourishment from them? While relationships are never completely positive, I started noticing how I felt when I left my ‘friends’. Was I tired and emotional or was I energized from meaningful conversation? Was I depressed or motivated to change my life? Did I want to wallow in depression or get up and wash my face? These are the things to take into account when you are starting your healing journey. Pay attention to your body. It knows things you do not.
Around Valentine’s Day, I sent the intention out into the universe that I was ready for a friend that would inspire and challenge me. I also wanted someone that I could do the same for, I wanted someone that looked at me and saw who I was becoming, not just who I was in that moment. I wanted someone that could inspire me to be the person I wanted to be, not who I was in the past.
Not long after I sent that intention into the world, I met the most wonderful person at a group dinner. We started talking and we had similar interests. I had to her about starting a compost bin and she was doing the same. It was synchronicity at its best. We were conversing on different subjects and everything seemed like it was meant to be since we had so much in common. My significant other texted me (even though he as sitting next to me) and said that she was who I was saying would be a great friend for me. Not long after that, she jokingly asked where I had been all her life. Which made me feel amazing, but I also thought to myself that I had been loving all the wrong people.
After that night, I started evaluating my relationships and started pulling weeds from my soil to make room for more flowers like the one I had just found. To be honest, I have kept a couple weeds just because sometimes they can be fun and pretty but my garden isn’t full of them. Weeds also have a purpose. In some cases, they can hep protect the flower or plant from certain pests and diseases. But if there are too many, then the plant/flower starts starving. So you have to be selective about when, where, and why you keep certain weeds around. If you start noticing that you are still hungry after spending time with someone start questioning why.
In my spiritual, metaphorical compost where I deposited my previous weeds, I started breaking down why I was their friend. Why I was drawn to them? Why this and why that? I started breaking down the nutrients and asking myself the hard questions about the mistakes I had made in those relationships and started trying to fix the issues in my own attitudes and perceptions. I had to come to terms that in some relationships I was the weed for their flower. I wanted to reflect on the weeds and figure out how to use those experiences to nourish the relationships I am growing now. Why be surrounded by weeds or even be a weed, when I could be a flower in the garden of other beautiful flowers? So, lets stop being weeds and grow as flowers together.
One of the most healing things a person can do for themselves to feel the emotions. I spent so many years just running from the pain inside or numbing the pain with other things that once I actually just sat down, in silence, I finally was able to hear my heart.
I know that in the United States we do not like silence. It makes us uncomfortable, so we surround ourselves in noise. I walk in my house and turn my Bluetooth speaker on and blast music as loud as tolerable. I sit at my desk and turn music on for studying. I tell myself that I will listen to the silence later, but what my soul needs is to be quiet.
Once I noticed that I was using music to cover up the silence in my heart, I turned off my music. I just sat in my chair and listened to my heart. That was when I realized that I didn’t really know myself. So, I became curious about myself. What made me tic? What was at the center of my being? What did I like? What do I not like?
While all the positive things are well and good, but I learned a lot of negative things about myself that I have to learn to either accept or change. Not everything that is bad about has to be changed, but you have to decide if you need to change things about yourself. One negative thing about me is that when I am interested in something new, I become obsessed to the point that I neglect everything else. So, to work on changing that, I have to allow myself a time frame to explore that new interest. When the time is up, I have to go back to my studies or work. Not only is it helping with being consumed with learning about something new, it is teaching me time management. So, you can teach yourself practical skills while working on the negative aspects of yourself.
I also learned to hold myself with kindness in the silence. I am a very self-critical person. I guess if you believe that you are always wrong, you feel the need to apologize, then when alone you replay everything in your head about how you messed up. It is a downward spiral, so I am going to say to you bluntly-STOP. You can drive yourself crazy. Once I recognized these negative thought patterns, I could start working on them. To be honest, I still find myself going down the self-critical path and I stop myself. I try to find the humor in making a mistake. Why be mean to myself when I can make it funny and learn from it. But to be honest, I still sometimes criticize myself for how stupid I can be sometimes. Then I shrug and say that I am still learning.
I have this belief that our souls and bodies know what they need to heal, we just have to listen. We can only listen when we sit in silence. In the silence, we can hear what our bodies are saying. Are you thirty or hungry? What are you craving, and why do you think you are craving that? You can think about all kinds of things, but sitting in silence allows you to learn what your body wants. Your soul is also strengthened by the quiet in that you get to know yourself.
While sitting in silence one day, I realized that I needed to switch to a plant-based diet. I have a chronic pain disorder (most days it feels like I was hit by a car) and everything I ate aggravated it. I also realized that I needed to pull some weeds from my sunflower garden by letting stressful, negative people go from my life. So, I pull the weeds and switched my diet. Once I managed my stress and corrected my diet, I started losing weight and my pain symptoms lessened from a 7 to 1, pretty much overnight. I only realized this after sitting in silence and asking myself what I wanted. Was I happy living in pain everyday or was there a way to not feel that horrible? Out of the silence, I felt I needed to try a vegan diet. I am on day 11 of the 7-day Vegan Challenge and I feel so much better I am going to stay on it. But I know that veganism isn’t for everyone. But everyone can listen to what their bodies are saying they need. Maybe you need to drink more water. Maybe you are neglecting eating veggies or healthy fruits. Just think of something small that you can manage to do right now. So, lets take time to sit in silence (even just a few minutes to begin with) and lets continue to grow together.
Trigger warning for healing from suicidal thoughts and attempts. Trigger warning is also in effect for PTSD symptoms. If you are struggling with suicide or know someone that is struggling, here are some professionals to call to talk. Or you can just sit in silence with them. But this is about how I overcame those thoughts, I just do not want to trigger someone without offering them help. I apologize for only having US numbers. If you are in need, some of these websites offer a chat option. You can also contact me through the contact information page on my blog. I am not a therapist, but I will hear you out and listen to you.
Over the past week or so, I have been reading a book by Dr. Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life. He speaks of the yin and yang of life: the light and darkness, the good and the bad, the happiness and the sad. What he pointed out was that in the circle, the white (light) had a small dark spot and the dark had a small white dot. Neither were completely light or black. They both have a little of each. It is up to us to find the light in the dark.
I think the very first time I wanted to die, I was in 8th grade. I was struggling with how I was feeling, and feeling like no one cared about me. I felt that I didn’t have a purpose. I didn’t know how I would do it, but I sat on my bathroom floor alone writing out my will. I had printed a professional one off at school and I was writing mine in my own hand. I wrote that I was of sound mind and body and then went from there. I listed out my favorite possessions, like my trumpet. I listed who each thing was to go to and what I wanted buried with me. Then I started on the apology. All I could write was I am sorry for what I did. At that time, I didn’t know about mental health or mental illness. All I knew was that inside I was dying and no one cared. I went to school, scored high grades, played the trumpet in the marching band, laughed and smiled, and I had crushes. I was even planning for my future, but in my private time, I wrote out my will.
As I struggled with suicidal thoughts, I started abusing my own body. I started starving myself, because at least then I could feel something. If I did eat something, then I purged myself. I think my lowest weight was 105 pounds and I am pretty tall.
That was when I started writing poetry. I poured my heart on paper, but only read by those closest to me. I talked about all the storms and pain inside, but all was washed away by the tears I cried alone. I honestly think that the only thing that kept me breathing was poetry and literature. Not only what I read, but what I was writing. Nothing that I wrote was very good, but it was about what I held in my heart. To see the words I had put onto paper, the paper that was covered in my tear stains, gave me something to live for. Writing was my light in the darkness.
Once I entered college, my mental health started to slip. I did not know anything about PTSD, I had never met anyone that had it. I did not even know that I had it. I just knew I was having ‘heart problems’. I was having nightmares. I couldn’t go to class. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t live my life. I was consumed with the past, playing constantly in my mind.
The first time I had a panic attack, my college boyfriend had broken up with me. I had walked to my mailbox on campus and opened it to reveal he had sent me a letter. It wasn’t unusual for him to have sent me a love letter, even though we saw each other all the time. I was excited to get his letter thinking we were going to get back together. I ripped it open right there and froze at what was inside. My heart started to pound so hard my chest hurt. I couldn’t breathe. My body got very hot and I started sweating. I couldn’t swallow and I started shaking. I thought I was having a heart attack. The world tilted and I stumbled out into the sun. His friends were across the street laughing at me, but I thought I was dying. I ran to my dorm room and I do not think I slept that night. I was 18 years old and my heart was going out, on top of being threatened.
My experience with PTSD started getting worse. I was afraid to leave my room. My ex-boyfriend or his friends followed me around if I was out of my room. People were constantly telling him my location and what I was doing. I was scared to go to class, which made my grades lower. I was scared to go to the cafeteria, because he would be there. I was just scared of living my life. My panic attacks happened multiple times a day. I was so exhausted that when I took a shower I had to sit on the floor. When I got out of the shower, I had to sit to get dressed. My mental state was taking all of my energy. I was just trying to survive.
My friends noticed what was going on, but none of them knew anything about PTSD or panic attacks. They just knew that Morgan was not OK. She was not sleeping or taking care of herself. She would not leave her bed. So, I made an appointment with my doctor. I had all the usual tests performed, but everything was normal. Everything was perfect, but they prescribed me beta blockers. Which are medications to lower blood pressure. I was 18 years old and my doctor gave me beta blockers instead of referring me to a therapist.
Well, overwhelmed with the experiences with undiagnosed PTSD and what I was facing at school and home, I decided to end it all. I was alone for the weekend in my dorm, so I made my plans. This time I didn’t leave a letter. As I was drifting into oblivion, I asked the Universe that if there was one person out there that cared about me, that wanted me to live, that I would feel like someone was holding me in my bed. I do not know if it was the drugs I took or my imagination, but I felt arms holding me. My room was filled with this presence of peace and light, and I didn’t die, despite being determined to drift into sleep. Thinking back to that day, I have chills. That day is the light in the darkness of that time in my life.
Another light in the darkness of suicide and PTSD was when I met a man training to be a Buddhist monk. I had just been taken to the hospital for trying to hurt myself and he was one of my nurses. We would sit for hours and talk about things. He was better than my therapist, to be honest. He just sat with me sometimes in silence. I didn’t need to talk, but it was nice just having someone to sit with me. So that I wasn’t alone. He taught me the basics of meditation and he was very encouraging through my whole learning process. At first, I could only meditate for a few minutes, I found it hard to sit still. By the end of the month of my stay, I was able to walk and meditate at the same time. It was also with his help that I was able to gain weight, when I was first hospitalized, I was 23 and you could see all of my ribs. Through mindfulness meditation, I learned to check in with my body and learn what it needed.
That was four years ago, and no I have not followed what he taught me then. But, I try everyday. In fact, I have even tweaked it to fit my own lifestyle. I learned that everyone has their own meditation style, and that is fine. Meditation is personal, make it your own. Just do not stop trying things until you find what you need. My only advice is to learn to check into your body. How are you feeling? What hurts? What is cramped? What feels good? Are you tired, did you sleep well? Are you hungry? How is your body feeling?
Then settle into the silence and relax. Mediation is not about being completely silent, that is impossible. But in those moments, you can learn to accept your thoughts as thoughts, your feelings are feelings, and you do not have to hide or suppress them. They just are and you can let them go. Not everyone finds meditation helpful, but it helped me learn to turn the record of my past off and focus on the present. By focusing on my body, it got me thinking about my own personal wellness. In fact, for so long I didn’t feel like I was even in this body, like I was watching from outside, meditation got me back into my body. It helped me reclaim my form. Because I am a soul with a body, not a body with a soul. But this is the body I have right now, so I need to be in it, not outside of it.
Another tool that has helped me get over self-harm was tattoos. I love art. So, on my right wrist I have a raven. I got it not only to cover scars, but in memory of The Raven written by Edgar Allen Poe. In the poem, the character struggles with the loss of his true love and become horribly depressed. He languishes over the loss and a raven comes into the room and speaks the word, “Nevermore”, in response to each of the depressed man’s questions. In my mind, he was struggling with letting go of his love and moving on. The Raven represented the fact that she was never coming back. I think that getting that tattoo helped me let go of the old Morgan that I was so devastated that was dead, and it was the beginning of me becoming the Morgan that I am going to be. Every time I look at that tattoo, I do not see the end of who I was, but the beginning of who I am meant to become. So, I suggest you find a symbol of rebirth for yourself and get a tattoo if you want.
Over the years, I had struggled with wanting to die and feeling like no one wanted me. I have had to be locked away to keep myself from harming myself, but I was able to get diagnosed with CPTSD and learn how to deal with it in healthy ways. It has not been easy, and it is not easy to this day. Some days, I am sunshine and light other days, I have a little cloud that follows me, but I acknowledge that cloud. I even say to it that it is ok that it is there, but it isn’t going to keep me from accomplishing what I need to accomplish. It isn’t going to block the sun from my mammoth sunflower forever. Because I have learned to accept those feelings and function despite them. But there are days that all I do is breathe and that is OK. I am still healing, I am still growing, and I am still breathing. I do not have to apologize for existing anymore, because I accept that this will be a life long journey. So, for today, I will just breathe.
I wrote this poem exactly one month ago. I was meditating on what I needed to say to my mother to release the pain I had been carrying in my heart. It is said by mental health professionals that one of the key indicators of a child’s healing from abuse or an assault is the response of their mother. If their mother was reactive and got the child help as soon as she knew what happened, the child would recover in a healthier manner. Not that there is a real healthy way to deal with childhood trauma, but they can heal and be as close to ‘normal (as defined by society, everyone has their own definitions) as they can. However, if the mother ignores or silences the child, the child will take longer to heal, if they ever can get closure. So, I sat down and wrote a poem to my mom from my perspective as a teenager. Maybe someone can relate to feeling unheard by their mothers. And maybe a mother who has a child that experienced violence at the hands of someone else can read this and see the perspective of their child. No one should ever feel alone when experiencing trauma, because until they are able to talk about it in a healthy manner, they are still experiencing the abuse everyday. So let’s grow together and never allow a child to feel ostracized by the abuse they experienced.
Courage of the Coward
Go against the grain
That was how I was raised
Everyone is unique and different
Try to swim against the current
But who really has the courage?
to stand against their barrage
Could you stand against
them without recompense?
Could you stand for right?
even when consumed with fright?
Could you speak against the shadows?
Could you be at peace with what followed?
I am the strongest person I know,
That isn’t a brag, it is just so.
But even then, I doubt
If the consequences were worth speaking out
You said to stand up for what I believed in
But somehow that didn’t cover my sin
I am nothing if not myself
that is why to fear I was deaf
I could not stand idly by
and help you cover a lie
all the quotes in the world
could not hide what you next hurled
What is done in the night
will always come to the light
It is always darkest before the dawn
Especially when I refused to be your pawn.
Was it stupid or brave?
that the next victim I wanted to save
After the transmission, I thought I was too dirty
For the next girl, the next time, I worried
You demanded that I forgive and forget
but these crimes I could not abet
You were more angry at my disobedience
But I will offer no repentance
How can you go with the flow
knowing what you know?
Embarrassed, you kept silent and hid
My vocal bravery you condemned.
While I faced my fear
It was me you rejected and smeared
The fact that a young woman
faced the darkness of you with one lumen
You hated that I brought to light
The ungodliness that was done in the night
It never mattered that I was your child,
Because your attachment to me was mild
You hated me for ruining your image
Because your reputation the truth blemished.
While you hid behind mercy scriptures
You had hidden all my pictures
I was a child who you shunned
But to him, the adult, you clung
Though a sinner, He was such a good man
The daughter you chose you banned
Even though all I wanted was you to hear
Of how I was consumed with fear
I have lived everyday believing I was the coward
By your silence I felt overpowered
Even after all these year I wonder
If I did the right thing or blundered.
But how could I be me
if against this abuse I didn’t speak
How could I live in silence
knowing another could experience that violence
How could I turn a blind eye
To another crying my same cry
All I have ever desired
Was for that to have never transpired
How could I ignore my own little inner voice
How could I ever not make the same choice
To admit my own transgressive rough
That only your approval I sought
IF I could only turn back time
To that pain I would never again resign
I would tell me to have courage and to be brave
So I could be the girl I save
This morning when I woke up, it was raining outside. As I listened to the rain hit my window I made my morning coffee. I thought about how my plants were enjoying the nourishment. I recently started learning how to grow plants and take care of plants, something from my childhood. I have found that having something tangible and real outside of myself to care for (not a person and not a pet) has helped me heal a lot of the pain inside of me. There is something about seeing my little seedlings start to break through the dirt, planted in darkness but reaching for the sunlight that encourages my soul. It reminds me of my own growth in this life.
One of the reasons that I like growing plants is that I envision my soul as a flower. Everyone has a different vision for their own souls, but I am a flower. You can pick what you are. I would like to say that I am a Mammoth Sunflower. I choose this flower because as a child, my beloved grandmother grew them. I would play under their giant heads, straining for the sun, shadowed by their shade. I felt like a fairy in my own magical garden playing in the beams of yellowed sunlight cast on the ground by the petals. I would often sit next to her and listen to her tell me about how she took care of these giants, some can get over six feet tall. She even taught me how to pull the weeds out and when they were ready, we ate the seeds they grew. All the effort we put into caring for them and later they nourished us. So, it isn’t just about their beauty, their strength, their fruit, but about the loving memories I shared with my grandmother.
While I have written quite a lot about loving the wrong person, I sit here thinking of those who read this and wonder if this applies to them at all. What if someone was abused? What if someone was assaulted? What if someone had never been in love? What if someone is so broken, they cannot put themselves back together? All the what ifs consumed my mind this morning as I was drinking my coffee, watching the rain. So, I wanted to share a little more about me and my sunflower.
For those out there that have seen the worst in humanity and lived to tell the tale, I understand. I understand the gasping that a person’s soul does deep into the night wondering why this is happening to them when all you want is to be loved. I understand the loneliness and fear that consumes you when faced with the most horrendous acts are carried out on you. I understand the guilt and shame that you carry inside your heart that kills your soul a little every day. I understand. But I also understand that one day, you will be OK. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but growth is a process. Every day is taken one at a time. You feed your flower, you weed your flower, and you grow. You never stop reaching for the sunlight, for what is good and loving in this world.
As a child, learning about gardening from my grandmother, my little seedling of a sunflower broke through the ground reaching for the sunshine. Reaching for all the good in the world, not knowing that there were those out there that would one day trample the seedling of my soul. But what does a trampled flower do, it may be bruised, it may be ripped, it may even be crushed, but it soaks in the sunlight and continues to grow, always reaching for more. Growing towards the light. It may never be the same flower that it once was, but it grows. It may even die, but the seeds from the carpal are planted by nature and will one day burst through the unforgiving ground.
One day, a horrible storm came that lasted for many years. The seedling of the sunflower of my soul continued to grow no matter who tried to stomp on it, no matter who tried to pull it out of the ground, no matter what weeds around it tried to steal its nourishment. No matter who tried to tower over it, blocking the sunlight. My focus was on the sun, not the circumstances. It didn’t matter what abuse, what neglect, what assault, what heartbreak that faced me. My eyes were on the day that I could offer my seeds to those I loved most. I continued to grow in an environment that lacked nourishment (love), that lacked water (creativity), and that lacked purpose. This was because I knew that one day, I would be able to give back to the seedlings around me, when I became a mammoth.
As a teenager, I found ways to nourish myself. I discovered poetry and literature. The flower of my soul grew under the tutelage of the greats like; Henry Wordsworth Longfellow, Robert Browning, Alice Walker, Walt Whitman, and so many others. It was very unusual to see me without a book. If I was without a book, then I was furiously scribbling my own pain onto paper. All this time being creative, the seedling of my soul grew into a bud. I found ways of expressing myself in beautiful prose, rather than writing in a journal (although that did help me) but in prose I was able to twist the pain into something beautiful. I could compare the pain to a stab in the heart, but how that hole allowed the light to shine in the darkness. I was able to get sunlight to my little bud in the most artistic loving ways until I lost my voice.
It was at that time that my abuse got worse and my growth halted. I started struggling to find the sunlight, no matter what direction I went, I was surrounded in darkness. It was like being locked in a basement with no windows, doors, or lights. I tried clawing my way out, but there was no way. I tried screaming, but no one heard. The flower that was my soul shriveled from neglect. I was experiencing a drought of emotions, I closed myself off from the world. Sunflowers are happy, cheerful flowers, my little flower bud was dying and so was my happiness. As I tried to protect my little flower by being strong, it was slowly dying inside.
As a young adult, I tried desperately to save it dying flower, but the Morgan that laid under the mammoth sunflowers staring at their intricate beauty with her grandmother had died. That Morgan was no more and with her the flower of my soul died. The ground that was my own very existence rejected that it could not even keep the seedling that was planted by her grandmother alive. So, I acted like it didn’t matter. I tried to drown the pain in failed relationships, giving so much love to others, while neglecting the ground that was my humanity. When my flower died, I had forgotten that at my center I am a mammoth. That I had my own dreams and desires, that I needed to take time and take care of my own self.
So, I started aerating the soil of my existence. I started reading again. I started writing again. I got into therapy. I prepared the soil for planting my own seed, taken from the bud that died so long ago. The offspring of the seed given to me by my beloved grandmother. I took out all the rocks of anger and resentment and turned the soil. I asked myself the hard things, what was my part in what had happened? What was my responsibility in my reactions and the things that I had said to hurt others? I fertilized my soil with art and music and prose. I began writing again. I surrounded myself with people that wanted to see me succeed and that accepted the water that I gave them for their soul flowers. I cut all the people who sucked the energy and nourishment from me, and I was OK. I realized that I had to be happy and healthy myself before I could be happy with anyone else.
When it was time for me to plant my seed in the prepared soil, I sat back and thought about how I was never going to be that girl living as a fairy in the garden of mammoth sunflowers that her grandmother grew. I felt a twinge of sadness at the lost innocence, but I felt proud at the mammoth/ woman I was going to be. I was saddened at how others saw a fragile seedling and wanted to rip it out for themselves. Like an object to be owned rather than a being that had its own purpose. There are those out there that cannot grow their own flowers and want to steal the flowers from others, I am saddened that those people believe that souls are possessions and not essences to be cultivated. I know that those I weeded from my life’s garden was confused, but they could never understand the strength it took to take care of myself to pull out the weeds and surround myself with flowers that complement me rather than take my life-force. I started planting my own garden in my life with souls of people that were like me, that had the same purpose as me.
I planted that seed and have watered it every day. Every day I do something for my body, something for my mind, something for my heart, and something for my soul. I’ve realized that I am in control of what nourishes me. What I eat, watch, listen to, read, and even who I am around is to fertilize my own soul. I listened to my body on what it says that I need to be healthy. I listen to my mind and am always curious. I have started a master’s program at my school and am excelling. I listen to what my heart says and follow it. And I do things that nourish my soul, I help water other flowers around me. Seeing others grow and bloom brings me joy. If I can water someone else’s flower by sharing my story, then I know that I have a purpose. While it may seem that I have become the mammoth sunflower that is ripe and ready to share my seeds, I still have a long way to grow. I still have weeds to pull. I still need sunlight and nourishment. But I know that this is one day that I can start preparing to share my seeds with the world. Which is why I always end each post let’s grow together. Because I have a long way to go (and miles to go before I sleep– Robert Frost) and I want to help you grow too. So, lets grow together.
“Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of just trying to be the right person” -Gloria Steinem.
I was telling a friend the other day that I hate Disney’s version of what love is like. This whole idea that women are weak and constantly need saving from situations is upsetting as a modern woman. We, women, have so much strength and power that we are limiting ourselves by waiting for a man to save us. We have the power to save ourselves, but we are spoon fed these stories from childhood that we need a brave, strong, handsome man to save us. We can be brave. We are strong. We are Beautiful!
I think that as a teen, I felt that I was a healer, I dreamed of touching someone and healing them. I started envisioning that I was surrounded by a light of love and healing energy that flowed through my hands. I once had a friend that told me that when I touched them that they could feel the love I had for them, I felt proud that my meditations and intentions came through so powerfully. All my hard work was paying off, I was on my way to being the healer I wanted to be.
Back to my point, I loved loving others and healing them with my love, which is a great thing. But it can also be dangerous in that if you put that love into the wrong person, you can slowly whither and finally die. By dying, I mean losing sight of your gifts and purpose. As women, we are drawn to broken men, we cannot help it. We think that if we just love them enough we can heal them and they can be the person we want/ need them to be. But how many times does that actually work? How many times does that same man we built up with our love actually leave and give his love to another? Then we are left alone, crying, wondering why we weren’t enough. This scenario goes for males too, but as a woman I felt I could speak to our motivations better.
Then we pick up the pieces and try to make sense of the chaos that was left behind when we suddenly find another broken person that needs our love. Then the cycle starts again, leaving us heartbroken and lost. Unless we take time to reflect on our experiences and ask why we are pouring our love, time, and energy into broken people who do not care, we will forever be stuck in this martyr cycle. It is time to break the cycle.
I think the only way to break that cycle is to decide consciously that you are going to take a break from loving broken people or people who do not know what they want or people that cannot accept true love when it is given. You and only can decide when that is enough for you, I can offer a suggestion for when that time has come. When you find yourself apologizing for everything, even though you are the one giving in the relationship. When you have given your time and your energy, when you find that you cannot think of a single thing more to give them, but that isn’t good enough for them. Maybe it is time for you to say to your poor heart (take pity on your heart, by the way), “I cannot make them love me, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make them love me. But I can give myself the love I am giving them.” How do you give yourself that love?
I started another page called, “Date Yourself”. On it, I post steps on how to date yourself. Imagine you are on a first date with yourself. I imagine me and Morgan having dinner. I ask Morgan (that is my name) things I would ask another person I was getting to know. Things that matter to me, things I would want to know about a lover. I found that when I turned the love I had been giving so freely inwards, that I could have healthy boundaries in relationships. I didn’t have to get sucked into others lives and try to fix all their problems. I could love them, send them healing energy, be a friend to them, and we both continue on our life paths. There is a difference between truly loving someone for who they are (flaws and all) and loving them because you can fix them. If you are tired of loving someone only to have them leave, try loving yourself first. Then see the type of people you attract. So, let’s grow together and learn to love ourselves.
“If you could love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you could love the right one.” -Unknown
I assume that every person on this planet has fallen in love with someone that did not love them back. Basically, everyone has been friend-zoned at one time or another. As a woman that had been friend zoned by someone I loved for many years, I believe I can offer some insight on how to overcome the feelings of hurt from having your feelings rejected.
Nothing hurts worse than the person you are in love with loving someone else. Having to see them give the love you wish you had to another is an excruciating pain. Especially if the recipient of that love is rejecting the affection you crave and you see the one you love pour themselves into a dying relationship. All while you are standing there with your heart open saying, “I am here and I love you.”
Or you see your friend very happily in love with someone else and wonder what was wrong with you. You’re the one that knows everything about them. You’re the one that loves and accepts them. Why can’t that be you on the receiving end, living happily in their arms?
How do you get past the feelings of confusion of having your feelings rejected? You are seeing the love of your life trying so hard to please another person when that person doesn’t even care. Or seeing your friend deeply, completely in love with another person. How do your reconcile your friendship with being in love with someone that rejected you?
The first step is to ask yourself why you are in love with them. Is it their looks? Their personality? Their job or what they can offer you? Their friendship and support of you? You have to determine what it is about them that attracts you to them. Is it something lasting or something that will fade? If it is something that will fade with time or will change as you age, then it probably isn’t lasting. If it is something like their commitment to your friendship or their personality, then ask yourself if you could imagine having that with anyone else.
Then think about why you are a match to them. What do you offer them? Of course, your first answer will be unconditional love and acceptance. But think deeper. Why do they want to be around you? Think about what your conversations are like. How do you feel during and after you talk to them deep in your heart? Are you burning alive with passion to make things happen or do you feel drained and inadequate? Do they inspire you or make you want to be more reserved? Think about what makes this relationship more meaningful to you than any other relationship.
Once you have thought about these questions, you must realize that there is something missing for your person (not object, people are not objects to be owned) of affection. Now, that is a horrible feeling to realize that YOU are somehow not enough for your friend. That is not what I mean, what I mean is that they are missing something. You can listen to everything they say they want in a relationship, and give it to them. But that doesn’t mean that they will accept that offering, EVEN IF IT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID THEY WANTED. That doesn’t mean that there is something missing in you, it means that they do not know what they want. Even if you know what is best for them, if they do not know what they want, you cannot convince them. The problem lies in that they need to decide/ figure out what they want in a relationship, that is not something you can teach or tell them. It is a personal thing they need to work out for themselves.
That being said, your heart is broken. What do you do? Well, why not pour all the love you were giving them into yourself? You put so much effort and time into a friend zone relationship, so why not figure out what you want? I know you are thinking that you know exactly what you want, but if you are reading this far, there must be something you desire that is more than just not receiving the same love you give.
My advice is to treat yourself like you would your friend. Give that same love and effort to yourself. Everything you want to know about them, ask yourself. Not just answering flippantly, but thoughtful answers. When you get an answer, ask yourself why. If your favorite color is blue, well why is that? Is is because it reminds you of the ocean and you have a funny memory of spending a summer day at the beach? Or is it because your grandmother’s eyes were blue and blue reminds you of the times you spent with her? Ask yourself hard questions, find out why you think that way. What makes you want to succeed? What drives you? What inspires you?
I am going to start another page on here called “Date Yourself”. This will be full of tips to learn how to get to know yourself better. Then when the time comes, you can use those same tips to find the one that you are meant to be with. It is in my experience that only when you truly know yourself that you can attract the love you desire and deserve. While I am still learning things about myself everyday, I find myself slowly being surrounded by people who love and encourage me to challenge myself. For me, people who get me thinking about life and thinking about what makes the world go around are the people I want to surround myself with. But who you want to be surrounded by depends on your own self-development and self-improvement. So, let’s grow together.