I apologize for being absent. I let a weed grow in my garden and it choked the nutrients out of me. I feel into a dark depression and my budding seedling suffered.
For all my writings on being careful about who you let into your garden, I was mesmerized by this little weed. I believe it is a character flaw of mine for I love wildflowers more than cultured flowers. I saw this weed and was mesmerized by its beauty and allure. What I didn’t know was that it was poison.
Isn’t it strange how something so beautiful could be completely toxic to the surrounding flowers? Take Wisteria, it is beautiful, but it will squeeze the life out of even a tree. Not only choking it, but stealing vital nutrients all while remaining a beautiful weed.
I was embarrassed to get back on here and admit that I made a mistake, but I would rather be honest that I am a human being with feelings than to leave the image that I have it all together. So, in an effort of honest, here is what happened.
I was finally doing great, my garden was growing and starting to break through the ground. I had a long way to go, but at least I was starting to see green through the dirt.
Suddenly, I noticed there was an interesting shoot coming through. It reminded me of something from my past. Something that I once loved and dreamt of a future with. Something I had missed in my life. Something I had hope that would one day come to pass. So, I made room for this weed in my garden. I didn’t think it could hurt anything. I thought it was harmless.
The weed started growing and needing more space, so I started pulling out my beloved flowers to make room. The weed needed more fertilizer, so I sacrificed my well-being to feed it. This weed was very greedy and soon sustaining it became my primary focus. I gave this weed all that I had and it still was not enough. Nothing is ever enough for weeds.
The funny thing is I knew this would happen. See, I had seen that weed before and the exact thing happened. I just didn’t expect it to be such a fast moving, destructive weed. Taking not only my heart, but taking over my garden and dictating what could live and die. For all its beauty, it was very damaging to my garden.
It took awhile for me to connect the patterns of behavior and to realize what was happening. Love can be a crazy thing. Because I believed that if I sacrificed enough for this weed, they would love me as much as I loved them and that is not so. Because weeds only think about what they need to grow and what they need to be more beautiful.
So, instead of ripping it out by the roots, I changed tactics. I decided to fight poison with poison. I started withdrawing into myself. I started questioning everything around me. I sank into a deep depression and found myself unable to function due to the poison. I relapsed into my old comfort behaviors and almost didn’t make it back out of that darkness. I didn’t realize that by poisoning the weed, I was poisoning the same soil that I was being fed by.
So, the bravest thing I did was to dig up that weed and remove all the roots. It was painful, like ripping out part of my heart. But if that weed was just taking from my garden, then it didn’t deserve to be there. In my garden, we all must serve a purpose and help each other grow. That weed did not contribute.
While now I have learned my lesson, the saddest part is that I had the opportunity to put a beautiful, strong flower into my garden. One that would have possibly blossomed into love and I let a poisonous weed take its place. I was too distracted by the beauty of those winding, flowering vines that I passed up the opportunity to plant something that inspires me to be a better person. A flower that is like me, one that is meant to feed the others around him. Because I was distracted by Wisteria, I missed out on another Mammoth Sunflower. To me, that is the worse part. To let something so destructive take the place of something strong and beautiful. I just hope that he knows that I am still growing and tending my garden. I hope that one day he and I can grow together, even if just for a moment in time. Because a flower like him is worth the work it takes to be beautiful.
So, that is why I decided to write again, even though it was embarrassing to me to admit that I am just a seedling still growing towards that beautiful sun. A seedling that was swayed by something comfortable and familiar rather than challenging herself to believe that another man could be better for her. A seedling that was intimidated by a wonderful flowering sunflower that she ran to what she had known. So, I guess that is why I always end my posts with the saying “Let’s grow together”. Because it is a reminder to me that I am still learning and still growing and still striving to be the best sunflower I can be. So, in the spirit of forgiveness and growth, let’s grow together and rebuild our gardens.