“If you could love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you could love the right one.” -Unknown
I assume that every person on this planet has fallen in love with someone that did not love them back. Basically, everyone has been friend-zoned at one time or another. As a woman that had been friend zoned by someone I loved for many years, I believe I can offer some insight on how to overcome the feelings of hurt from having your feelings rejected.
Nothing hurts worse than the person you are in love with loving someone else. Having to see them give the love you wish you had to another is an excruciating pain. Especially if the recipient of that love is rejecting the affection you crave and you see the one you love pour themselves into a dying relationship. All while you are standing there with your heart open saying, “I am here and I love you.”
Or you see your friend very happily in love with someone else and wonder what was wrong with you. You’re the one that knows everything about them. You’re the one that loves and accepts them. Why can’t that be you on the receiving end, living happily in their arms?
How do you get past the feelings of confusion of having your feelings rejected? You are seeing the love of your life trying so hard to please another person when that person doesn’t even care. Or seeing your friend deeply, completely in love with another person. How do your reconcile your friendship with being in love with someone that rejected you?
The first step is to ask yourself why you are in love with them. Is it their looks? Their personality? Their job or what they can offer you? Their friendship and support of you? You have to determine what it is about them that attracts you to them. Is it something lasting or something that will fade? If it is something that will fade with time or will change as you age, then it probably isn’t lasting. If it is something like their commitment to your friendship or their personality, then ask yourself if you could imagine having that with anyone else.
Then think about why you are a match to them. What do you offer them? Of course, your first answer will be unconditional love and acceptance. But think deeper. Why do they want to be around you? Think about what your conversations are like. How do you feel during and after you talk to them deep in your heart? Are you burning alive with passion to make things happen or do you feel drained and inadequate? Do they inspire you or make you want to be more reserved? Think about what makes this relationship more meaningful to you than any other relationship.
Once you have thought about these questions, you must realize that there is something missing for your person (not object, people are not objects to be owned) of affection. Now, that is a horrible feeling to realize that YOU are somehow not enough for your friend. That is not what I mean, what I mean is that they are missing something. You can listen to everything they say they want in a relationship, and give it to them. But that doesn’t mean that they will accept that offering, EVEN IF IT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID THEY WANTED. That doesn’t mean that there is something missing in you, it means that they do not know what they want. Even if you know what is best for them, if they do not know what they want, you cannot convince them. The problem lies in that they need to decide/ figure out what they want in a relationship, that is not something you can teach or tell them. It is a personal thing they need to work out for themselves.
That being said, your heart is broken. What do you do? Well, why not pour all the love you were giving them into yourself? You put so much effort and time into a friend zone relationship, so why not figure out what you want? I know you are thinking that you know exactly what you want, but if you are reading this far, there must be something you desire that is more than just not receiving the same love you give.
My advice is to treat yourself like you would your friend. Give that same love and effort to yourself. Everything you want to know about them, ask yourself. Not just answering flippantly, but thoughtful answers. When you get an answer, ask yourself why. If your favorite color is blue, well why is that? Is is because it reminds you of the ocean and you have a funny memory of spending a summer day at the beach? Or is it because your grandmother’s eyes were blue and blue reminds you of the times you spent with her? Ask yourself hard questions, find out why you think that way. What makes you want to succeed? What drives you? What inspires you?
I am going to start another page on here called “Date Yourself”. This will be full of tips to learn how to get to know yourself better. Then when the time comes, you can use those same tips to find the one that you are meant to be with. It is in my experience that only when you truly know yourself that you can attract the love you desire and deserve. While I am still learning things about myself everyday, I find myself slowly being surrounded by people who love and encourage me to challenge myself. For me, people who get me thinking about life and thinking about what makes the world go around are the people I want to surround myself with. But who you want to be surrounded by depends on your own self-development and self-improvement. So, let’s grow together.